The entrance to Hungary began on a gastronomic low, with the Eurobeanies pit-stop for a MaccyD at scurby-durby services on the M1. After negotiating fences, lorry car parks and a few other obstacles, we ordered our meals and tucked in…after 2 seconds of munching, FU was forced to spit his rancid chips out all over the table, whilst KOB scoffed the entire thing with no thought of the after effects.
Disgusted with the whole affair (and the dollies who looked like men) we got back in the car and hit the road, arriving in Budapest 2 hours later full of optimism. This, unfortunately was to be short-lived, as our “luxury 5 star” hotel had been designed by a blind, 80’s fan with absolutely no sense of taste whatsoever. We did, however, feel a little more at home thanks to the abundance of security cameras on every corner….something we were later to conclude property of the hotel Mafia NOT hotel security.
We left 80’s ville and headed for the city centre and came to rest in a café-bar in a picturesque square…after one and a half hours hours, the following conclusions have been assembled on the female population:
1. Anorexia is BAU for 80% of all Hungarian Women
2. 90% of all fake tanning products & sun bed sales are made in Budapest
3. Faux Gucci/D&G/Channel are mandatory fashion prerequisites (mixed with no sense of style)
4. Smiling is illegal (unless money is required)
5. No fighting exists between men, as their balls are tucked tightly into their lower abdomen given the severity of the looks dished out by the female population
With our scrotums puckered, we headed back to the hotel and re-emerged after a huge thunderstorm for some food….Italian...The following conclusions have been assembled on the Environmental Health and Food Advertising Standards:
1. Just because it is written, does not make it so
2. Replace any references to “quality” (i.e. Parma Ham) with Spam
3. Replace any references to “authentic” with fake
4. Do not wash your hands after you have been to the toilets, as they will be cleaner
On a now triple whammy of disappointing experiences, we headed for the square in search of a bar to drown our sorrows, and was escorted by some “friendly locals” to an authentic Hungarian club…where we encountered gypsy dancing, girls in low cut tops and ice-white smiles and mucho, mucho cocktails….if you haven’t guessed what’s coming next, hold tight….
Four hours later, and in a semi-blurred condition, we asked for the bill which totalled 250,000 slotskies (sounds a lot doesn’t it?…but remember, this is inflation-ville, and we are assuming that a loaf of bread is not much cheaper). Unbeknown to us, the club did not have a Point of Sale machine for our cards…SO…KOB was told to remain at the club whilst FU was escorted to a cashpoint machine, with the gypsy escort on the phone every 30 seconds to a gruff sounding male colleague (who, incidentally, was never visible). Unfortunately, after many attempts at FOUR banks, FU’s card was not accepted, and so it was back to the club so that KOB could do the honours. NOW, at this point, although this seemed a little strange, the Eurobeanies were aware that FU’s card did not like Hungary (indeed, FU’s bank was on the phone that morning Hungarian transactions, so…no surprises at this point).
KOB was then escorted out the local cashpoint machines, whilst FU was held captive at the club and was pleased to see that, on his return, the gypsy escort had a handful of cash. At this point however…things began to go sideways, as KOB had only been able to withdrawal 150,000 slotskies from THREE separate transactions before reaching his daily withdrawal limit. The Eurobeanies sobered up in 3 seconds, did the conversion, and found, to their horror, that the bill was actually
£850!!!!!!!Knowing that we were £400 shy, FU got out his credit card, the gypsy escort made a call and magically a cash conversion office was opened around the corner…with a driving licence, credit card and much adrenaline, FU acquired the remaining funds and we were ejected without emotion from the club. KOB, incensed with having to pay Monte Carlo prices for apple juice with rum, told the head gypsy ‘buy yourself a house love” as we left. We headed back to the hotel, smoked a cigar, drank a Brandy and vowed to leave in the morning… Hasta la vista Budapest….we will NOT be back!!!!!
Never, in the history of a roadtrip, have two friends been SO glad to see Austria…ahhh Central Europe, HOW THE HELL DID HUNGARY GET INTO THE E.U??? As a result of the violations of the Health Codes (see above) KOB was “vomitus Maximux” for the remainder of the evening and well into the second day…you have been warned kids!
